Here’s the thing about having more than one place you can call home: it can be impossible to see everyone you want to see when you visit. Unless you hustle the entire visit, which is exhausting and, hopefully, when you’re visiting “home”, you can find some respite from the hustle.
Neither Andrea nor I had a 100% respite from the hustle because we both worked remote several days.
The weather was beautiful and it was nice to have respite from the Virginia humidity. The nights in Massachusetts cooled and we slept with the windows open.
On Wednesday morning, I visited a friend whose been fighting brain cancer and as I drove back to our AirbnB, I caught these lyrics of Billie Eilish’s song…
'Cause I, 'cause I
I don't know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don't know how to feel
But someday I might
Someday I might
“What’s the point of life? Bust your ass working and then you just die?” I asked Andrea in an admittedly fatalistic moment. She didn’t really have any answers.
I think this is a riddle I’ve been trying to solve for some time now. And while I don’t know the answer, I know that although the days are long, the years are short so I tend to cram a lot of living into my days.
I used to spend a lot of time worrying about shit I had no or very little control over. But I don’t do that any more…
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worry is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. - Mary Schmich, Wear Sunscreen
I learned long ago that Schmich was right - both from my own experiences and from watching things happen to people I love and care about - things that blindsided them at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday…
Their shitty diagnosis;
Their husband, felled in the street by a stroke that took his life right around Christmas time;
Their loved one’s shitty diagnosis;
Job surprises of the unpleasant variety;
A horrible, freak accident that broke the person’s arm & left them needing surgery to attempt to put it back together again. An angry scar an ever present reminder.
If you’re worrying about it, you’re probably fine.
Even though life blindsides us, when our life is threatened, we fight. Fight, flight, freeze - we’re going with fight. And our friends are going to be there with us as we are in the arena.
On Friday, the last night of our visit to Massachusetts, Andrea and I were headed to the Horseshoe Pub to meet two friends for dinner. I felt we were running uncharacteristically late - 2 minutes behind. I’d suggested we show early for drinks and Andrea didn’t comment. Weird. We got there, and Andrea shot up the stairs of the restaurant.
“How do you know where they are?” I asked.
“She texted.” Andrea said somewhat dismissively.
As I climbed the steps, I caught sight of balloons and my brain formed the thought, “Oh. Someone’s 50th birthday.”
SURPRISE
It was mine. I mean - let’s not rush things. I’m clinging to my 40s until September 25th but I’ll be in Virginia and these people in Massachusetts.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been so surprised in my life. Pleasantly surprised. I mean - I’ve had my fair share of being blindsided on an idle afternoon.
And here’s what I’ve decided….the point isn’t to go to work and die. We don’t fight in those fight or flight moments, we fight because we want more time with the people who bear witness when it’s our inevitable turn in the arena. People who hold space for us. There is never enough time with these people.
Sometimes, I’m not the greatest friend. I half hug people I love and care about and pat them on the back, rather than throwing both arms around them and squeezing them. I don’t want them to disappear.
I love all you, fuckers.
Pat, pat.
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