You Can’t Spell Strong without ‘No’

Each year, I choose a word of the year to focus on. It’s my intention for the year. I order a bracelet from the website My Intent and usually leave the old bracelet somewhere - I’ve left my old bracelet at the giant Ganesh statue at Kripalu on more than one occasion. I’m still wearing my 2024 bracelet, and I want to leave it behind somewhere, along with 2024. I ordered my 2025 bracelet later than usual - I usually purchase the bracelet for the upcoming year around Thanksgiving. This year, I chose the word Strong, and I got the new bracelet in time to remind me to be exactly that during all that December had in store.

In 2015, Shonda Rhimes wrote The Year of Yes, and I embraced both the book and the concept. By the time 2025 rolled in, I was over being strong - having decided that shit was overrated. I told my coach this, adding, “My word for the year is strong - only I don’t want that anymore. My new word is ‘No.’”

She pointed out that the two words were perhaps related, which challenged my beliefs about this word. I quipped, “You can’t spell strong without no! See what I did there?”

I think it takes strength to say no - without explanation. The explanation can be tempting, but no is a complete sentence. This goes back to working around boundaries, which, for me, is work that is never complete. Nice Lutheran girls from the Midwest don’t say no - they are people pleasers, helpful. As a recovering people pleaser, saying yes can be a compulsive, knee jerk reaction. Boundaries can become porous. Penetrable.   Yes! I will help you even if you don’t ask - I will offer!

Last week, I said no to the 2nd year of the local board commitment. And saying no, it turns out, is more difficult than saying yes. It required drawing upon an inner strength that I had lost touch with.

On Thursday, someone who had asked me to write them a LinkedIn recommendation followed up with me on their request a mere 4 days after their initial request. I thought about replying - apologizing, ticking off all the reasons I hadn’t yet gotten to it. Then I realized - I never hear from this person unless they want or need something from me. I blocked their number. No. This isn’t going to be how it goes. I didn’t even like working with that person - write a recommendation? And say what exactly? Maybe I should be flattered at their misguided belief that whatever I say will help them land a job, again. But instead, I am pissed that when that person, in their first text asked me how my new year was and I replied, honestly, that December had been a challenging month they didn't say a goddamn thing - but they did ask, again, was I going to write their recommendation. No. I'm not. Fuck off.

I’m saying no to one sided “friendships” with people who rear their heads when they want something(information or favors). No to people who cannot juggle different friend circles - go on with your one sided self.

I'm saying no to the board and the guilt I was feeling for my inability to juggle managing an entire program for it while juggling my job and life.

My hope is that saying no gives more space in my life to say an enthusiastic yes to those that say an enthusiastic yes to me. I want to lean into those connections.

Honestly, I don't feel (most) people are intentional assholes. But there are people who are incapable of being good humans. And I’m saying no to those people in 2025.

In terms of how I spend my time - well, if its not an enthusiastic “hell yes!” then it’s an enthusiastic “hell no!”.

Last week,I had a breathwork session with an instructor I’d met at Kripalu. Initially, I’d booked the session for December but then December happened and it was clear to me I needed to postpone. It seems these types of things unfold as you need them to unfold - not as you think they would unfold. I'm not sure what I expected - probably stillness. Deep breaths. My shoulders descending from my ears. The tightness in my upper back loosening.  And I got all that - and I got crying. I hate crying. Let me be clear - I think if other people cry, that's fine, crying just isn't for me. I give myself permission to cry at funerals - that's acceptable. Otherwise? I'll pass. So if I knew that crying was involved, I certainly wouldn't have paid to do it. The instructor said crying happens in these sessions more often than not and I’m inclined to believe him. Weirdly, I felt better after crying. So maybe strong in 2025 means crying more?

I'm keeping my strong bracelet, but flipping strong on its head this year and am letting go of old beliefs about what it means to be strong.